Adelaide Zoo - Adelaide, Australia

(clipped from Back of Bourke)

Rating:

Variety of animals: 8

Quality of exhibits: 7

Getting around: 8

Pet-factor: 5

Overall: 7

What to see: Two giant pandas on loan from the Beijing Zoo

What to miss: Oddly enough, the native Australian critter exhibit leaves a bit to be desired

* * *

I had a slightly later flight, and a long layover in Adelaide on the way back, so we said our farewells that evening. Now, what was I going to do for 6 hours in Adelaide?

Hint: Visit the zoo!

I stored my bags at the airport and took a taxi to the Adelaide zoo, which I came to found out, was playing host to two pandas on loan from China, Wang Wang and Funi. With names like that, I had expectations of a comedy act or variety show. I got neither. The zoo was pretty fantastic, though, and I spent a few hours wandering around before my taxi back to the airport.

A Barbary sheep...who was actually within

reaching distance...

This alligator was also very nearly within

petting distance. Even I have my limits,

believe it or not.

The freshwater croc looked positively wimpy

by comparison.

A giant tortoise chills in the shade. I envy you;

you are a faceplant away from food.

This guy is a god among meerkats - at least

until another one bothers to climb up there

and push him off.

I don't blame you, pal - it was stinking hot.

It seems a lot of animals had the same idea.

This little critter is a common tree shrew, and

I'm fairly certain the closest thing you'll find to

Scrat from Ice Age.

A gibbon chillin' in a tree - nothing funny about

that.

May cause sporadic breakdancing.

It would seem that when the zoo reaches a

certain temperature, most animals have a

genetic predisposition toward naptime.

Oh bollocks - and I though I was safe in the

water.

They had a petting zoo which I figured I'd check

out. Ok, a goat - aside from the creepy goat

eyes, pretty normal.

What the...?

Needless to say I was pretty stoked to be able

to pet an actual deer. Normally they go

scampering off when you come within 25

miles of them.

"I also enjoy candlelight dinners, reading Jack

Kerouac on a cold afternoon, and stealing your

girlfriend." I think the second box is a CYA

for the fact that they sometimes forget to feed

Claude. "No, he does that from time to time!"

*scoop...bin...*

A lyrebird. If you don't know how cool these

birds are, watch this video. Then watch this one

because it's hilarious.

This really made me miss Disneyland / the

Jungle Cruise ride...

I finally arrived at the Panda exhibit.

Come to think of it, I don't believe I've seen

a panda in person before.

They basically just sat on a massive hoard of

bamboo and chomped away the entire time.

Still, they were amazing to see.

Fiji Zoo - Viti Levu, Fiji

(clipped from Back of Bourke)

Rating:

Variety of animals: 6

Quality of exhibits: 7

Getting around: 10

Pet-factor: 9

Overall: 8

What to see: opportunity to hold several rare Fijian iguanas, a rope bridge and walk through some fascinating flora

What to miss: there's a back portion that is mainly plants - no critters

* * *

At long last, after driving through enough sugar cane to make even my teeth hurt, we arrived at the zoo. I would like to preface this next series of photos by saying that, while this isn't necessarily the best zoo I've seen, it is most definitely not the worst (Hyderabad, I'm looking at you and your Geocities c. 1996 website...). That being said, this is actually a pretty great zoo. The only real gripe is that it is small, but it does contain a lot of local Fijian wildlife, and I still managed to spend 2 hours there while my driver kindly slept in the car.

The zoo, at first glance, didn't particularly look like a zoo - it was essentially a gate that disappeared into a wad of thick foliage on the side of a large hill. I made a mental note that this was not such a bad idea, and planned on setting up a mundane gate to let people into some uncharted wilderness back home and call it a zoo.

My hopes of swindling the uninformed were dashed when I discovered that there was actually some semblance of structure through the gates (more than just a semblance, really - an elaborate infrastructure of climbing pathways, cages, and gazebos). After paying a reasonable fee, I wandered into the main courtyard where there were a series of small cages and terrariums sitting along the perimeter. No sooner had I taken a few steps than a large lizard was thrust in my face accompanied by the cheerful query 'would you like to hold it?' Of course I would.

Oh yeah - you'd grin like a fool too if you were

covered in banded and crested iguanas.

Iguana is the new black.

Staring contest. I lost.

Admittedly not the largest snake I've held, but

still cool nonetheless. Laugh and I will throw it

at you.

I also got to hand-feed a hawksbill turtle little

pieces of fish. Well, by 'hand-feed' I mean

'threw bits of fish in the water lest I get my

fingers bitten off in a spectacular display of

gore and flying digits.'

A barn owl. I have wanted one ever since I

saw the movie Labyrinth. I have also wanted

my own David Bowie.

Ok, I swear I did nothing to antagonize this

bird - it just wanted to kill me for no reason.

Ok, this one I may have antagonized.

(I didn't).

Half of the zoo snaked along through these

wooden walkways hidden in the trees.

Little-known fact: The neck of a cockatoo

can support up to 17 tons of weight. This is

just how they sleep.

An Indian ringneck parakeet showing

off for the camera with a little balancing

act.

A red-breasted musk parrot.

A slightly larger crested iguana than the one

I was holding earlier. My memory is a little

hazy, but I believe this one was big enough

to crush a 3-bedroom home.

A collared lory - a better name, I suppose, than

calling it a toupee'd lory.

I don't know about you, but I didn't know that

peacocks hung out in trees.

A sweet lily pad pond.

Plant? Flower? Venomous camouflaged

creature? Not about to find out.

I wandered toward the back of the zoo

and there was no one there. In all fairness,

there wasn't a whole lot back there other

than this really cool tree.

See those spiky things? Those are pineapples.

I learned a ton at this zoo - for whatever

reason I've never really thought about it.

Y'know, just a couple of lizards hanging

out on a tree. Ain't no thang.

Like I said - had the zoo nearly to myself.

Ran around like a madman.

...and bounced across the rope bridge

like a fool.

We now return to your regularly-scheduled

angry bird programming.

Hyderabad Zoo - Hyderabad, India

(clipped from Back of Bourke)

Rating:

Variety of animals: 8

Quality of exhibits: 4

Getting around: 6

Pet-factor: 2 (and that's only because I'm including the safari operator)

Overall: 4

What to see: more monkeys than you know what to do with, possibly a tiger wandering around, the 'aquarium'

What to miss: The zoo - really, it needs a bit of work

* * *

As I mentioned before, any time I am near a place that seems like it has a reasonably respectable zoo, I must go visit. It is my sole charge in life. Hyderabad just so happened to have a zoo.

Let me preface my visit by saying that it was not a terrible zoo, per se. But that being said, it was actually laughably bad at certain points. Join me on this magical journey, won't you?

Ok, not so bad, it has a cool sculpture out front.

Kinda respectable-looking.

HELLO?...LO...LO...lo...lo...lo...lo...

*cricket...cricket*

Ooo - a monkey!

Most of the primate exhibits were surrounded

by moats filled with tons of fish, which I can

only assume are piranhas or a very small

breed of shark.

More monkeys!

A wolf's monkey. They did have a few critters

I hadn't seen before here, at least.

I don't care if it makes me uncivilized - I am

not going near you to throw anything away,

creepy monkey trash can.

A lion-tailed macaque.

Another primate - I was beginning to wonder if

I had accidentally wandered into the National

Primate Conservation Park (which doesn't actually

exist, but very well could have as a result of

the first part of the zoo).

Oh thank God. I don't care what you are, as long

as you are not a monkey.

A couple of white tigers, considered the main

attraction at this zoo.

At this point I took a quick detour into their Natural History Museum, and let me just say how sad I am that I wasn't allowed to take photos in there. They had about a dozen dioramas depicting the natural history of India. Ten out of twelve of these displays were about tigers: 'a tiger at dawn,' 'a tiger sleeping,' 'a tiger eating its prey,' 'a tiger at midday,' 'a tiger at early afternoon,' 'a tiger at dusk,' etc. One of the other two had some sort of deer / elk thing in it. The final display had a crocodile and a dolphin with its tail snapped completely off and sitting right next to it. Oh man - it was everything I could do not to giggle my way through the entire thing.

What I wouldn't give to be a big cat and just

lie around all day in the sun.

An Indian wolf - and I'm not just saying that

because I'm in India.

These guys were all staring me down and would

all take a step in the opposite direction each time

I did. Whatever, I didn't want to pet you anyway.

Ok, one redeeming factor of the Hyderabad Zoo? They had somehow managed to harness the technology from Jurassic Park and create...dinosaurs.

RAHHH, it's the king of the dinosaurs!

None shall stand in the way of the mighty

triceratops!

Quake in fear as-...ok, I can't do this anymore.

I mean seriously, they're not even trying.

Look at that ridiculous grin.

Along the topic of the merciless staring and just feeling out of place, there were so many occasions where I would be walking by an exhibit and someone would be filming the animal, then out of the corner of they would see me, and slowly point the camera at me. Oh, and there was the time the zoo train went by and everyone shouted and waved. Or when the group of schoolchildren all swarmed around me. Or when the guy selling tickets for the zoo safari wanted his picture taken with me.

That's right, buddy - nothing's for free. You want

a picture with me? I get one too.

A group of colorfully-dressed school children

after they all walked by and stared unabashedly.

Ok, now we come to what I feel is the piece de resistance - the Hyderabad Zoo aquarium. While I was waiting for the safari (more on that to come soon), I took 3 minutes to wander through. Yes, 3 minutes. And that was being generous. And also allowed for a quick nap. The aquarium was about the size of my bedroom. And what denizens of the deep would meet me in this claustrophobic aquatic habitat?

I can't be certain, but I think there is actually

a goldfish in there.

Really? I thought green terror was what you

had to clean up after a night of drinking Midori

sours...

Ok, seriously - I gave you guys the benefit of the

doubt with the dinosaurs, but come on.

No. No. No. No. NO. This is just a green

terror that you've painted-WHAT AM I

SAYING?

So that was fun.

Next it was time to hop on the safari bus to go

drive through an enclosure with lions and tigers

roaming free.

I was actually kind of excited for this. I've always wanted to go on an African safari, and this would just have to suffice until that actually happens. I walked up to the man and asked for 2 tickets for myself and Nayeem. He informed me that they needed a minimum of 12 people to go on the safari. Glancing around at the deserted zoo, I sighed and sat down in the chair next to him, staring at him through squinting eyes. Being somewhat impatient, I did what any sensible person would do...

...I bought all 12 tickets.

Let me just explain to you a little bit just where I am right now, and why I'm still enjoying myself so much. By all accounts, this is a pretty awful zoo. So what was the silver lining? I had paid for parking, admission for both myself and Nayeem, the fee to bring my camera into the zoo, 12 tickets for the safari, an ice cream, and a soda. Total equivalent cost of this experience? About $10. Yep. Even 12 seats on the Hyderabad Zoo safari rickshaw, and I was barely breaking double digits. Anyway, moving on.

Because no one else had actually shown up or

wanted to go, Nayeem and I had the bus to

ourselves.

As we would be driving by free-range lions and

tigers, I was glad to have sturdy mesh doors

that wouldn't suddenly slide open during slight

braking.

Wait, what the...

Crap.

They finally got the door fixed and we entered through a series of rather rusty gates. The lions inside appeared to be caged until the van came along, at which point they would be let loose to wander around.

Like all cats, when the gates opened, they just

stood there looking outside, until the keeper

was just about to close the gate again, at which

point they decided they were ready to go out.

Ah, well - a lot of crazy running around planned.

Better stretch first.

Well, it's less like running, and more like gentle

moseying.

Wow, all that lying in the shade has me a bit

worn out. I think I'll lie here in the shade.

We were driving along a bit further, when suddenly

a tiger wandered out right in front of us.

But it was hot, and he was a tiger on a mission.

Bathtime.

It seriously reminded me of a very low-budget

Jurassic Park. Although, it did have state-of-

the-art voice activation technology...

...in the sense that you yell at the guy and

he opens the gate...begrudgingly. Every

major theme park encounters some bugs

at some point, I suppose.

At one point during the safari, we had a clear

view back toward the city and Charminar,

where I would be going following the zoo.

Not entirely sure what these are, but they were

about the size of large horses.

They also had what was probably the largest

group of crocodiles that I had ever seen.

These were also new to me - Gharials. Very

similar to crocs, but with embarrassingly-tiny

jaws. Hehehe.

Reindeer? God only knows.

A big ol' toothy croc.

Sun bears wrasslin'.

I just found this amusing - all of the geese were

walking in a single-file line.

That's about it in respect to the zoo. An honorable mention goes to the nocturnal creatures house, which was poorly-ventilated and smelled sickeningly like feces. Oh, and at the end, in the dark, the guide leading us through cornered me for a tip. *sigh* There was also a little girl begging as we were leaving - she latched onto my arm and kept calling me 'uncle.' To my knowledge, my brother has not fathered any children in India. That's right - I saw right through her little charade. She kept begging until we actually pulled away in the car.